Aftermath
by TheNexusDragon
Summary: Life is difficult as it is but when you have to live with the choices that lead to another's death it might be unbearable and certainly is life changing.  Warning: m/m, lemon. Oneshot


Life is difficult as it is but when you have to live with the choices that lead to another's death it might be unbearable and certainly is life changing.

Dragon Age belongs to Bioware.

* * *

The cheering was overwhelming as Alim stood in front of the crowds that had gathered in Denerim. He tried to force a smile for all those who thought he was the Hero of Ferelden. He was one of the few who knew what truly happened, that the true hero died on the top of Fort Drakon. Those few moments replayed clearly in his mind, as he questioned why he couldn't have been brave for just a second and things would be so different. It aggravated him that everyone was celebrating. He understood that they deserved to be happy, but shouldn't they be mourning even just a little. So many lives had been lost, so many had been affected throughout the country during the year since Ostegar.

* * *

Nearly a week after the final battle, Alim sat on a sofa in one of the decorated side rooms in the palace. He had finally gotten away from all the people who were still celebrating the archdemon's defeat. For the past week people had been coming to Denerim from all over Ferelden to celebrate the end of the Blight and to see the Hero of Ferelden. Because of the celebrations, he knew it was only time before someone would come looking for him. He took the few moments of quiet to try and reconcile his thoughts.

Alistair's words echoed in time with the pounding in Alim's head. The words were those that Alistair spoke before they marched the army to Denerim. He had sung Alim's praises, motivating and inspiring the ragtag army the two of them had pulled together. He would have made a good king even though he had never wanted that.

"Today we show the Grey Wardens that we remember and honor their sacrifice!"

Sacrifice. The word reverberated in his mind making him dizzy just thinking about it. The praises that were repeatedly told to him taunted and tortured him as he hadn't deserved any of it. On the top of that tower it had been Alistair who made the ultimate sacrifice.

In Alim's lap, he held Duncan's shield. His fingers idly traced the golden griffon. Both of the wardens who had owned this shield had died while fighting dark spawn making that sacrifice that Alistair had spoken of. A tear fell on to the metal. His hand stroked the tear away absent mindedly.

Alim was so far in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed when his love had entered the room. Zevran knelt in front of Alim taking the shield from his hands and placing it on the seat next to the mage. Zev stroked down his cheek noticing how tired the young elf looked. He was uncertain on how to take care of Alim, this was certainly something new for him. In the past he had only needed to take care of himself but now his feelings made him confused and unsure as to what he should do.

Alim slowly looked up and met Zevran's kind gaze only briefly before looking down to his lap. Choked with the unshed tears and bottled up emotions, he began slowly, "I don't deserve any of this. Everyone keeps congratulating me and calling me Hero." He paused steadying himself to bare the truth of his actions, "I'm no Hero. If I was Alistair would still be alive."

The Antivan's accent was thick as he spoke in hushed tones, "Mi Amor, if that were the case then you would be the one we grieve for."

"I wish that were true. I… I mean not that I wish that I was dead, but would you hate me if I said there had been another option?" His eyes met the other elf's for a second before looking down at his hands resting in his lap. He was so ashamed of what he was about to say, but more than that he feared how it would affect his relationship with Zevran.

Zevran looked at his warden uncertain. He was curious as to where the other was heading with his comments, but obviously whatever his secret was caused Alim a great deal of pain and stress. Instead of saying anything that would cause more pain he opted to take Alim's hands supportively and moved to sit next to him.

Alim closed his eyes and took a deep breath and began to speak softly. "The night before the battle, Rhiordan told the two of us that a Grey Warden must die in order to destroy the archdemon. Being the eldest of us, he was the one who would make the final blow, and we left the meeting believing that would be how things would happen. Before seeking you out that night, I had gone to my room to think over what we had just learned…"Alim had to pause and recollect himself the events of that night flashing in his memory. "Morigan had been in my room when I entered. She offered another solution to our problems. If a Grey Warden would bed her there would be a child that carried the taint and could take in and absorb the archdemon's soul." With that statement Alim put is head in his hands, covering his eyes and letting a sob rip through him.

Zevran wrapped his arms around the younger elf's shoulders, holding him till he had collected himself.

"I couldn't bring myself to take up her offer. I had known right away that what she suggested was some very serious blood magic. She tried to convince me otherwise, but I knew that she was lying. When that didn't work on me she suggested that I persuade Alistair to complete the ritual." Alim had to stop yet again at the crushing pain in his chest from just saying the other warden's name. He took a deep breath and continued, hating himself with every word that spilled from his mouth. "I didn't even ask him. I didn't give him the choice."

The last words were so soft that if it wasn't for Zevran's heightened elfin hearing he would have missed them. So these events were what his love blamed himself for. The assassin didn't hold this against the mage, for he knew that every person had a line that they wouldn't cross and for his love that line was blood magic. "You know as well as I do that Alistair would never have partaken in that ritual," he spoke softly trying to let Alim know that he wasn't upset by anything he had said.

"That's what I keep telling myself, but if I had asked him, and if he had done it then he would be alive right now. If I hadn't been so selfish he would be here." With that Alim twisted, turning towards Zevran and for the first time that afternoon he truly looked him in the eyes. "It was more than just blood magic that prevented me from spending the night with Morigan. I know what you said…I know that you need time…I just…I know what I feel and..." He could hear himself stumbling over his words but he felt he had to rush had to get them out; more than that he needed Zevran to hear them. "I love you. I'm not asking for anything in return but I wanted you to know how I feel. That night when Morigan offered all I could think about was you and how even if I could put aside that it was blood magic I would be betraying you." The younger elf sighed as the words that had been pent up for so long were finally spoken. He looked down at his lap as Zevran had turned his head and was staring at the other wall.

The silence began to stretch on till Alim began speaking again, "Of course while I'm being so honest about this all when Alistair made that final blow I had been throwing healing spells like crazy and hadn't completely realized what he was doing. Then when he had fallen back away from the archdemon, part of me was grateful it hadn't been me, which makes me a horrible and selfish person. But it really could have been me and I would have died without telling you how much you mean to me. Wow listen to me I'm babbling and gushing just like Alistair. I should just stop talking before I cause you to leave."

Zevran still staring at the wall whispered, "I could never leave you and you know that. I may be free now but my heart is yours, Mi Amor." He turned to look at Alim, tears stinging his eyes; he had never imagined that the other elf felt that way. He was so used to not caring about others and found it odd to be so attached to another that even the thought that it could have been Alim who died in that final battle squeezed at his heart and made it hard to breath. He reached out to the mage's face, caressing his cheek and slowly pulling him close for a soft gentle kiss.

After a few lingering seconds Zevran pulled back and still whispering lovingly, "You cannot blame yourself for what transpired. You were right to decline Morigan's offer. You both went into that final battle knowing that one of you would not live beyond that fight. I am grateful for Alistair's sacrifice for it means that I did not lose you. Do not waste his last gift."

Alim looked at the assassin confused by his last remark, "What do you mean?"

"Alistair gave his life so that you could live yours. Do not regret the choices that were made."

Alim had to stop and think about that for a few moments. He had been so focused on Alistair's death being a sacrifice that it had never crossed his mind that it could also be looked at like a gift. He let out a sigh and knew he'd have to think about that more before he could trade the word sacrifice for gift but maybe in time that might be something he could accept.

Thinking about gifts, Alim looked to his side where the shield had been laid; he reached out and touched the edge of the cool metal. "I remember when I gave this shield to Alistair. I hadn't even realized it was Duncan's at the time. I had seen the symbol and thought it would be fitting that he had it. He recognized it right away and had been so happy then, but all the shields and armor in Ferelden couldn't save him from that final blow against the archdemon. Morigan's ritual had been the only thing that could have." He bowed his head struggling with his thoughts again.

"Things will get better with time."

"Time, maybe...Yeah...Time is what I need. We will certainly have plenty of that on our way to Amerathine that is till we get there and have Grey Warden things to do. I'm not even sure as to what that is. I've only been told that it's my duty to serve, and I will server with honor, this I know. If I can do nothing else I will serve to honor Alistair's memory."

"That sounds like a very solid plan," Zevran began to move and rise from the sofa, "But for now we should be on our way, they will be having the service for Alistair this afternoon."

"By the Maker, I thought the celebrations were bad, but this may break me completely"

"I will be at your side Mi Amor; I will always be at your side."

"Do you think that Oghren will have any of his good stuff with him? I could certainly need a very strong drink before the service." Alim laughed although it sounded wrong even to him. "Of course Oghren will have drinks with him, this is Oghren after all." A faint smile curled on his lips but never reached his eyes.

* * *

"Brother, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten… and one day, we shall join you." Alim bowed his head and stood there for a few seconds before turning on his heel and walking out of the great hall.

The mage leaned against the wall, with his eyes closed. As tears stung the back of his eyes he wondered to himself when he had become so emotional. He started to feel his grief overwhelm him, so he instead of giving into his emotions he let his feet take him down the hall.

Alim was down the second hallway when his next step faltered. He went down on his hands and knees, just barely catching himself before hitting the stone floor. His chest tightened making it hard to breath any more than small gasps, while his heart seemed to slam his blood through his body harder than he would have thought possible. He let a sob wrack through him while he was alone in the hall. He was surprised when he recognized that there were footsteps nearing him, he hadn't thought he would hear anything except for the thrumming in his head.

Suddenly his mind kicked back into gear, footsteps meant he needed to get out of the hall, he couldn't let anyone see him like this. He willed his body to move forward, there was a side room just ahead he needed to get to it and have the door between him and whoever it was who was coming nearer. He just couldn't seem to move so he tossed himself over to the wall, at least that way he wouldn't be noticed as quickly and may even be ignored, although the latter was not likely but he could hope.

As the feet that carried the other person turned the corner to where Alim now sat, he noticed that they were slowing but they were definitely coming this way. Helpless was not something the mage was used to feeling, but at this moment he truly was completely and totally helpless. He put his head on his knees and closed his eyes tightly not wanting to see the person who was coming towards him.

The footsteps stopped and the Antivan sat down beside Alim. Zevran began stroking his hair trying to sooth the other man. He leaned over and kissed his temple and whispered, "Mi Amor, it will be alright. On all those roads, all those nights at the camps along the way and all the battles that were fought side by side, we had all become family."

"In the service I called him brother; did you know, he had once said those same words to me. But at the time I couldn't bring myself to return the sentiment. Now all I have is regret for all the things that he will never know, for all the things I made him do, and for the one thing that I couldn't do." Alim took a few shaky breaths and slowly tipped his head back to the wall, his eyes still squeezed shut.

Zevran just watched as the man he loved began to cry. Till that day he hadn't seen Alim look so vulnerable. The mage was good at hiding his emotions and Zevran knew that was part of his upbringing. He suddenly sat up ready to defend Alim when he heard voices in the next hall way. He knew the younger elf wouldn't wish for any other to see him in this state. Quickly he took the warden's arm over his shoulder and lifted him up letting Alim lean against him. The pair made their way down the next hall to the room that had been offered to Zevran; the queen had not known of their relationship and had given them each a room to stay in during the celebrations.

When the door shut protecting the two of them from prying eyes, Alim turned into Zevran's arms and broke down as he sobbed with the overwhelming emotions that washed over him.

Zevran led the two of them to the bed. He guided Alim to lie down and when he joined the other elf on the bed the younger man curled up to the assassin's side. Zevran stroked his loves back letting him sob against him. After some time the mage's breathing evened out as he fell asleep. Zevran kissed his forehead and wrapped his arms protectively around Alim. Listening to the others even breathing he felt himself start to drift off as well.

* * *

Alim looked around him. He was aware that he was in the Fade. He was at a camp site that would never exist again. He got up from the crate he had been sitting on. He walked across the camp looking for why he was here. There normally was a purpose when he awoke in the Fade and the sooner he found it the sooner he would move on.

Alim sensed something behind him and turned. The sight that greeted him shocked him stopping him mid step. Alistair was sitting on a log near the fire. Alim knew his mouth was hanging open but was too stunned to close it.

"Hello, brother," Alistair said smiling.

Alim blinked and had to remind himself that he was in the Fade before he was able to move closer to the fire and Alistair. He sat across the fire from the almost templar and took a deep breath before he could speak softly, "I'm sorry, Alistair."

"Alim you have nothing to be sorry for-"

"Of course I do," Alim interrupted. "You are dead because of me. And I don't deserve to be alive because I was an ass to you."

"You may not realize this but you were nicer to me than you think. You came with me to my sister's. You returned my mother's amulet to me. You lead when I didn't want to. And more than all of that, you didn't make me king." The apparition of Alistair smiled, "I appreciate all of it."

"That doesn't change that it should have been me instead of you. I was the one who chose to turn away Morrigan."

Alim noticed the surrounding darkness pressing closer but the fire sparked with more energy.

"I understand, but I needed to be the one who made the sacrifice so that you could live." The darkness was smothering them both and the fires energy beat into them just like the Archdemon's had. "Now it's your turn to live," Alistair said as the flames suddenly spiked engulfing both of them in the searing heat.

* * *

Alim sat up with a scream. He put his head on his knees wrapping his arms around his legs. The elf sharing the bed with him had also been startled awake.

Zevran looked through the dark at the younger elf knowing what night mares must have woken the other man. He had noticed the tears streaking his fair cheek. He ran his hand over the others back trying to comfort him and console him with soft words. He didn't care how much of it was being taken in by his love. He was not used to his warden being so fragile, but with time this would pass.

Alim knew that this weakened state that he was in was hard on the older elf. The other elf's comfort made him feel worse. He didn't deserve the kindness or love. The soft words and gentle touches just seemed to sting as he mentally berated himself for his weakness. He blamed himself and always would even with Zevran and Alistair's words. He gave himself a shake, brushing off the hand that stroked his back.

Zevran was only a little shocked but what startled him the most was how that little action had caused his heart to squeeze. He was not accustomed to losing control of his feelings but his love for Alim effected him with every fiber of his being. He lay back unsure of what to do for the mage.

Alim looked back and saw the hurt confused look that flashed across Zevran's face. Guilt from having hurt the older elf's feelings began to nag at his mind. An idea was beginning to form and he thought he might have to act on it.

Alim turned slowly to face his love, uncurling and leaning forward he kissed him. The mage was tentative at first but let their kiss deepen as Zevran wrapped his arms around the delicate mage. Alim began to move placing a trail of kisses along his jaw and down his neck to his collarbone where the assassins tattoos danced across his golden body. Alims lips and tongue started tracing these intricate designs.

Zevran's hands caught the younger elf's face, "Mi Amor, this is not necessary."

Alim looked into the other's eyes trying to find the right words, "Yes, for me it is. I need to do something for someone, although you are most definitely more than just someone to me." He paused sifting through his thoughts for a better way to explain his actions. "I can't stand that I hurt you. I need to do something for you."

Alim continued his kisses working his way down Zevran's body. The older elf let out a moan when the mage flicked his tongue over first one nipple and then the other. After a few moments he continued his journey exploring the tattooed body with his lips, tongue and hands. As he moved he couldn't help but listen and Alim found he thoroughly enjoyed the sounds that came from his lover.

Once Alim reached his prize he gently drug his tongue over the bead of precum tasting the other man. He watched Zevran through his eyelashes as he slowly slid his lips down the hard cock inch by inch till his nose was in the golden hair. The Antivan's member pressed against the back of his throat but Alim held himself there for a moment before he pulled back slowly sucking.

When he plunged back down, he let some of his magic spark from his fingers gifting him with an excited moan from the older elf. The magic was simple to control, it eased the elf's muscles but increased sensitivity and built a heat that would intensify the experience.

Alim continued the slow paced motions allowing his lover time to enjoy as his tongue danced over the tip. Zevran's hand was in his hair gently stroking his black silken hair.

"Mi Amor," Zevran moaned. His hand clenched stopping Alim.

The mage looked up at the assassin and smiled at the other's not to subtle warning. Alim raised his head. He moved forward sliding his body up Zevran's. Again he was rewarded by a loud moan. When he was in position he paused for a moment hovering just above the slickened cock and then he slid down sheathing the other man within his opening. His moan mingled with Zevran's at that action. His magic helping to abate any pain so that he could please the other man. Alim gave himself only a second to adjust to the welcomed intrusion before he began to move thrusting up and down in a steady rhythm.

Zevran moved his hand between them to take Alim's erection in his hand, and the mage took his hand and pinned it against the bed, above the other's head. The assassin was quick and while the younger man was distracted with the first hand, his other took his prize into his fist.

Alim's eyes rolled up and he cried out, "Oh, Zev, please." He didn't even know if he was begging the other to continue or to stop. He felt himself so close but he couldn't help but be mad at himself. He was supposed to be pleasuring Zevran; he would be such a disappointment if he were unable to do that for the one he loved.

Alim began to feel his lover's cock twitch and tremble with each thrust into him. He poured some more magic into the other man which elicited a long drawn out moan and Zevran began fisting him harder and faster. Alim matched his motion and with one last thrust buried Zev deep enough to hit his nerves making him clench pushing them both over the edge. The two lovers came simultaneously.

Exhausted, Alim lifted himself up and grabbed a rag from the nearby table. He wiped Zevran clean gently. When he was done he collapsed into the other elf's waiting arms.

Before drifting off Alim whispered, "I love you, Zev."

"I love you, too, Mi Amor," Zevran replied.

* * *

The following morning Zevran and Alim headed to the great hall. Alim smiled as they entered the room, seeing all their friends gathered. The group of them had yet to notice their entrance, so Alim took the opportunity to take Zevran's hand and giving it a little squeeze, walked toward the other members of their party.

"Oh there are the sodding elves," Oghren announced having spotted their approach first. "We were just about to send out a search party for the two of you."

Liliana rushed towards them rapping her arms around the warden. "We were so worried about you! No one knew where you had gone to!"

"There, there Lili," Alim awkwardly reached around the bard and patted her back with his free hand, while Zevran still held to the other, as the tall woman continued to smother him in the hug. He began to chuckle which surprised her and she released the elf.

The laugh had stunned the entire group for a moment. Wynne was the first to regain her composure and asked calmly, "How are you fairing?"

All the eyes focused on Alim, and he sighed but smiled, "Better today than yesterday. And the rest, how are you all this morning?"

His companions returned the smile and made small comments about how they were. Alim knew it would take time to heal but as long as he had Zevran by his side he would be alright.


End file.
